Celebrating Motion Picture Excellence with Televised Mediocrity

Why didn't they ask Jon Stewart to host this year? I'm sure Hugh Jackman is a nice guy and all, but how can producers expect to keep the audience's attention on a host's affable personality alone?

Would Stewart's hosting presence come off as irrelevant? Was this year a less politically charged year? They must have thought this past election wasn't all that gripping.

Personal bias aside, here is a completely honest and objective overview of Sunday's Academy Awards telecast. Any instances of hyperbole are completely unintentional.

8:13: The Red Carpet interviews continue. "Who are you wearing?" These questions will set the fashion trends for the coming year. Modest attendees name drop obscure and well-known designers. Start the show already!

8:26: Actors, producers, and miscellaneous talent respond to questions about their feelings and the creative process. Most respond with calculated ratios and percentages. "50% excited, 50% nauseous, 50% sweaty."

8:28: Wonders if Jonathan Winters will receive an award for his work on Benjamin Button, or at least recognition for his inspiring the work on Mork and Mindy.

8:39: The musical numbers begin. Set designs are minimalist, apparently as a nod to the current economic crisis - rags bound together with twine. It would probably work a little better if the stage had been decorated with fewer Swarovski crystals.

8:41: Jackman continues to be chummy with the nominees in the audience to distract from the painfully apparent lack of comedy. Should I blame the writers or Jack?

8:43: Best Supporting Actress award presented by Tarantino's Fox Force Five...from 20 years in the future.

8:46: I begin to appreciate the relative wackiness of the Golden Globe Awards and wonder if the Tony Awards were any better. Probably not.

9:00: Thankfully, Tina Fey and Steve Martin appear on stage. Good for a few laughs. His dry humour and her dress are greatly appreciated.

9:07: Jack Black is too much of an independent-minded rebel to shave; but judging by the power he's putting to projecting his voice, it seems like he's still hungry for some more voice over work.

9:29: I suddenly realize the only nominated movies I've seen this past year are The Dark Knight, Tropic Thunder, and Frost/Nixon - so I'll only be rooting for them.

9:43: While taking a break from live-tweeting the show, I check my Twitemperature: a cool 56°F (13°C). Guess I should use stronger keywords. "Langella-riffic!"

9:46: James Franco and Seth Rogan entertain us with a Pineapple Express short. The theory "never show a good movie in your crappy movie" also applies to award shows. I have a sudden urge to switch off and check out their flick instead.

9:48: Finally downloaded Super Mario Kart for the Nintendo Wii and is tempted to play.

10:00: In an act of desperation, I burn my eardrums with a lit cigarette. Enough with the musical numbers. The corneas will be next.

10:29: I start to think the show was intentionally produced to make its viewers feel intellectually and culturally superior by comparison.

11:03: The whole thing becomes too much to handle. I leave the room and wait it out for as long as possible.

11:07: Focuses on Twitter and Facebook.

11:09: Kettle's on.

11:26: Another category preceded by a montage. I'm sure the "look back at Oscar winners past" will exponentially grow year by year. I can't wait for 2019's week-long gala.

11:37: The Best Actors of Oscar Past clip parade. "It's much heavier than I imagined" seems to mean a lot more coming from Brando. I know. Cheap shot.

11:40: I realize I shouldn't have watched the original interview before seeing Frost/Nixon. Langella was great, but he didn't squirm/twitch like the original Nixon.

11:44: I haven't seen The Wrestler, but judging by the trailer, Rourke's award was stolen from him.

11:45: Sean Penn's best friend is wondering about the strength of their relationship based on the length of his pause before thanking him.

11:57: Coming attractions at the end of the show? Celebrating films that weren't even nominated? The industry's desperate for ticket sales.

Photo by Cliff.